Divorce is sometimes a necessary evil because of things like abuse, infidelity, or addiction. Regardless of the reason for the divorce it is still painful mentally, emotionally, and financially and is liken to a rollercoaster ride with all of the turns and ups and downs.

When I first left my husband there was a flood of anger, hurt, fear, and anxiety. The anger and hurt appeared because he loved his alcohol more than me or our children and was unwilling to seek help. The feeling of hurt appeared because thirty years of a marriage that had produced some good memories, a home, and three wonderful children was coming to an end. The fear and anxiety came hand and hand and were a result of not knowing where I was going to live or how I was going to afford to live, what the divorce was going to do to my grown children, living and dying alone, and the disruption the divorce would cause in our family unit in that there would be no more holidays, summer picnics, vacations, or birthdays celebrated together and my children would have to chose who to spend time with without feeling guilty. Of course my siblings and my children came to my rescue and surrounded me with lots of love and support to get me through the first two years. They all made sure I had a placed to live, that I was financially stable, and were more than happy to give advice but only when I sought out the advice. I think they were all relieved when I finally became somewhat stable on all accounts (joking of course).

Through the past two years I have shed a lot of tears, bouts of anger, and of course doubt. Early in the divorce the thought of running back to a bad marriage crossed my mind a few times because it seemed as though it was so much easier to put up with, in my case, the abuse and alcoholism, then to stand on my own two feet.  This is how freighting it was for me. The fear, anxiety, and doubt fought hard against me but I stuck to my guns and stayed the course. Then something wonderful happened, a sigh of relief and the new found freedom. I began to gain more emotional and mental strength and see myself and the divorce in a positive light. I began to realize that it was not my responsibility to make sure my children were comfortable in the divorce, that being alone wasn’t too bad, my siblings were not going to let me fail in anyway, and my relationship with God became stronger and I was able to trust in Him and understand that He was not going to let me fail either. Make no mistake however; the rollercoaster ride is still happening.

The unexpected and unwanted ride I took this week is why I decided to blog in regards to my divorce journey thus far. This week has been a tough one for me financially and emotionally when I received notification from my son that my husband had not paid the property taxes for the past two years and that the family farm, which is also my road to financial security after the divorce is final, was going up for sheriff’s sale at the end of summer. After looking into the situation further I discovered that my husband had not paid the taxes for the current year either making it three years of taxed owed. My heart sank out of body and into the ground. The family farm and my future financial security was going to be sold off for a few thousand dollars rather than a half of a million at a sheriff’s sale because of my husband’s alcoholism. Of course I am not going to let that happen and I will be the good wife  and mother and sweep in and save the farm even though I cannot afford it at this point in my life. Credit cards will be used and loans will be taken out to avoid losing the farm in this manner. Once again my wants and needs are set aside for others who do not respect, love, or appreciate me. I had stopped waiting for the “other shoe to drop” for some time now and here it has finally fallen. I know this is only temporary but it will set my plans back quite a bit. It took me awhile to see and actually believe that I was the glue that held the family and the farm together all of those years. And there are those individuals who somehow have forgotten this and others who have been brainwashed by my husband into believing I was useless as a mother and a wife. Now, my husband’s alcoholism and the results thereof are on full display for all in our lives to see but will they actually see? Thus far these individuals and others have had blinders on. So yes, I am angry and sad at the situation my husband has once again put me  and his children in but I am also sad for him because he has declined so badly over the last two years as to not pay the property taxes and to lose the farm to a sheriff’s sale. Regardless of his abuse and drinking, he used to be an extremely intelligent man and took pride in the farm and providing for his family. He always worried about how his children, parents and siblings viewed him and would strive to surpass their opinion, good or bad, of him. Now he is only a shell. His concern is no longer for paying bills, taxes, the up keep of the farm, or what his children for family members think of him but rather when he can have his next drink. My heart breaks for my children because they have to witness the further decline of their father. And, my poor grandchildren have to bear witness as well. But this ticket on this rollercoaster ride wasn’t the only one I unwilling purchased this week.

My sister and I were shopping in an outlet grocery tore this week. Now this particular store I have shopped in with my husband during some of the good times we had. This store sells a brand of frozen manicotti that my husband and I used to purchase and of course eat. When my sister and I walked up on the cooler that had this frozen manicotti the sadness came rushing in almost immediately. I remembered how good it felt during the good times to have a husband and what having a husband meant. I remembered what it was like to cook for someone else other than myself and to share that meal with them. And I remembered what it was like to have my family whole and share Sunday meals, holidays, and birthdays together. I really had to fight back the tears until I was in my own car driving home to my empty place to sit and watch television alone, to cook and eat for only myself, and to crawl into bed at night alone. Then later on in the week I was angry and sad because I had thought about how I have never had a respectful, loving relationship and how I have longed for that for some time now. Then fear crept in because the fishing hole for men in my area is very small and lacks variety and I might never have that type of relationship. Now obviously guys and gals I am still in a slump this week and that these emotions are completely normal when going through a divorce. Have no fear I will bounce back and eventually I will get off of this divorce rollercoaster.

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Thank you for reading.