What is my Purpose? As I grow older this question has become more and more prevalent to me, especially within the last couple of months. I have pretty much ignored it up until now hoping that the normal flow of life would answer that question for me. I presumed that after I raised my children that I would have the opportunity to watch my grandchildren grow and fill my life with their sports events and plays and having Sunday dinners with my children and grandchildren. I presumed wrong. My plans were to get married, have children, enjoy my grandchildren, grow old with my spouse, and maybe travel. Well I got married and am now going through a divorce, I had three wonderful children who are now too busy for their mother, and I have grandchildren whom I have very little interaction with due to unwanted circumstances. I did get to do some traveling and made some really great memories with my children so that is a positive. Maybe planning was my downfall.

Using the words “plan” or “planning” is a bit much for me because I was more of a “let my life unfold” type person. I allowed my life to unfold and handled the bumps in the road as the came. When I was younger, life most of us, I had hopes and dreams but never followed through with them as I got older. I tried college and that was not for me. I worked jobs, bouncing around from one to another trying to find my place in the workforce, finally landing a job with good pay and benefits which ultimately ended in a layoff but that was not before I found the love of my life (which was what he was supposed to be) and got married. I continued to work after marriage and began having a family. I raised three wonderful boys and was kept very busy with their plays, sports, school conferences, birthday parties, movies, clubs, and so on and so forth. I did my job and got them off to their own lives and that is where my life seemed to end. The house was empty, with the exception of dogs there were no more animals to tend too, not events to go to, and my marriage was coming to end. Even with the divorce looming I still tried to keep the family together for my children and grandchildren but I failed. There would be no Sunday dinners and no grandchildren events to attend. I was no longer needed and in some instances wanted. Where there was once noise is now silence, where there was activity is now stillness, and where there was a life full of people is now loneliness. The activities we enjoyed as a family or I enjoyed individually where no longer fun and some instances safe to perform.

Through life I have enjoyed doing many activities. I enjoyed activities such as horseback riding, roller skating, canoeing, fishing, bowling, playing softball or basketball, traveling, and watching movies. As I got older through injuries and surgeries some activities I can no longer safely enjoyed while others are either financially out of reach, no fun to do alone, or are just plain boring, like the movies. By the time you reach my age the story lines for movies are all the same they just present them with different actors and actresses. Halfway through the movie I can usually predict what is going to happen and that takes the enjoyment right out of it. When the kids were younger I volunteered at a animal shelter for awhile so in search of my purpose I thought maybe volunteering now would be a good option for me however there is nothing in my small community for volunteers. The thought of moving to a new community has crossed my mind more than once but I have to admit that that kind of change would be very difficult for me. While that would be an exciting change it would bring about a lot of anxiety on my part. If you have ever experience a panic attack you know what I am saying. And this anxiety thing drives me nuts because I am a strong person and if you were to meet me you would never know I had an issue with anxiety but that is another story. Yet that same anxiety gives me pause and makes me question how I am going to survive my remaining years without purpose. I know that there is more to life than what I am currently living but what is it? I know that I have more life in me and more to give but to whom or what do I give it too and what is it that I have to give? The conclusion for now is still this; I am without direction and purpose. I need and want my children and grandchildren in my life. I want to be seen heard by anyone. I want a partner to explore the rest of my life with and to love. I need a want a purpose.