I used to ask God and myself, Why does he hate me? Well the question rather Why does he hate himself? Abuse occurs when the abuser doesn’t like himself, is weak, insecure, and lacks self-confidence so he projects that onto his victim by verbally and/or physical abusing them to the point where the victim now feels weak, insecure, and lacks self-confidence. This gives the abuser the power and control they lack in their own lives. According to the National Domestic Hotline website (www.thehotline.org) abuse occurs when an individual verbally or physically abuses another person because they want to gain control and maintain power over that person and the abuser believes that their own needs and feelings should be first. The National Domestic Hotline also states that the abuser most likely were abused or witnessed abuse in their own families growing up or they learn it from friends, culture, or structural in equities. I believe that in order for victims of abuse to overcome the abuse and heal it is important to understand why the abuse happened in the first place which in turn helps the victim know that your abuse was not as your fault. You could argue that it was something you said or did or didn’t do that set them off but I would argue that abusers are always ticking time bombs and looking for reasons to “put you in your place”. Again, the abuse we suffered was not our fault. So in understanding why I was abused I believe the root of my husband’s abusive behavior came from his upbringing. He grew up as the middle child in a large Catholic family of seven children. His parents placed huge expectations on their children at times and the love within the family was not always equal. My husband has told the story many times of how he had to fight for food at the dinner table because once it was gone it was gone. He bore the punishment for things his other, more favored, siblings deserved. And, one Christmas the only thing he had asked for was a bike and instead of bike he was given IOU. His only sister is the one who received the bike. These stories, as well as many more, showed me that my husband felt unheard, unloved, and unwanted. It also explained why he felt the need to continually please his parents. He still seeks their love, approval, and acceptance. When I think of these things I feel sadden and angry for my husband because he was just an innocent child, a victim. But now that innocent child is an adult who cannot see the faults of his upbringing and the results thereof. My husband has always placed his parents and family members on a pedestal and refused to see the emotional abuse he actually went through and in order for my husband to believe and feel that he is the one in control, more superior, mentally stronger, and secure he had to verbally abuse me and at times my children. By all means this does not make his abusive behavior acceptable it just puts things in perspective and actually turns the table wherein I was the one who was secure and stronger and that if I could gain that confidence and understanding back I could heal and move forward with my life and leave the abuse behind. The moral of all of this is to understand and accept that our abuser does not hate us but that they hate themselves. We the victims are the stronger, more confident ones in the end. We have the strength and desire to change our situations and our outcomes.

When writing this particular blog I realized that I never dove into what abuse actually is and what is does to the individual so joining me in my next blog where I will dive into this subject further.

Until next time believe that you are strong, confident, smart, and beautiful.