Co-dependency starts forming when a person that you are closest to is constantly gaslighting you and verbally or physically abusing you on almost a daily basis. When you are subject these kinds of abuses for a long period of time you are bound to become co-dependent. When you become co-dependent you are unable to make decisions on your own, you might develop anxiety and depression, you might feel worthless and crazy, and fear is almost constant. You rely solely on your abusive partner to control every aspect of your life because of the abuse and believe that you cannot survive without them. While my co-dependency began in my childhood and really wasn’t a big issue until I married my husband. Before that point I still maintained a strong will and was able to make my own decisions. Then slowly and steadily the co-dependency overshadowed who I once was. Over the next 30 plus years of constant verbal abuse, 30 plus years of being told I was a terrible cook, housekeeper, and mother. I was accused of stealing HIS money and called fat, ugly, repulsive, whore, bitch, stupid, crazy, a liar, a dike, a lesbian, and so on. He would constantly accuse me of no loving him, sleeping with other guys, trying to deliberately expose myself to my children and their friends, and even killing my mother after my mother was hospitalized and given hours to live so my sister and I followed her wishes and removed any life saving measures. He would keep track of the mileage on the car and questioning me when I was not home from work when he thought I should be. I started keeping receipts when I was out shopping to prove to him where I had been. He even kept telling me that I hated my first born because my son was given my husband’s first name. I basically had to have his permission to live my life as HE saw fit. Now mind you that his accusations and paranoia held no validity and I was trying to be the best wife and mother I could be but it did not matter what I did it would never be enough. He would always have me in tears begging him to tell me what I had done wrong. My husband would never be able to answer that question because it was never because I had done something wrong. My abusive relationship reminded me of a dog that has been beaten into submission and cowers at the owners feet or in a corner making themselves as small as possible to avoid another beating but yet still ready to please if the owner would just give the command. Dogs are co-dependence and so are we, the victims of abuse. Please do not worry, co-dependency is not the end and can be overcome if you willing to break free of the abuse, willing to seek help and not try to escape the abuse on your own.

To become free of co-dependency you must free yourself from the abusive relationship and be will to have help from trusted friends or a support group. Like someone recovering from alcoholism you need to admit that you have been abused and be willing to leave that situation. Accept the help your support is giving and do the hard work and understand that healing does not happen overnight. Most importantly do not rinse and repeat by returning to your abuser.

When we are abused and are co-dependent we are frightened, distrusting in our skills to survive alone and make decisions and we end up running back to our abuser. This happens because of the co-dependency and the anxiety the abuse creates. There is a comfort in the familiar and the unknown seems too risky and scary. We tell ourselves that it is easier to be abused then to face the unknown. I was truly guilty of this. I went back to my abuser three times before I said enough. So I left my husband and set out for a better life and love not realizing that I had a lot of emotions and fears to work through. That left me vulnerable to more abusive men which is a move that some victims tend to make. Fortunately for me I escaped any further abusive relationships for now. I realized that I needed to learn who I was, what kind of relationship I wanted to have, and that being alone was not the end of the world. I also learned that having support was not a sign of weakness but a feeling of security in that knowing someone other than my husband would be there to catch me if I failed. So after you take the first step in leaving keep your roll slow, learn, grow, heal, and love yourself.